You guys, listen to this song I just wrote.
It's called "I Hate You Guys."
I hate you guys
You guys are assholes
Especially Kenny
I hate him the most
Okay, now let's try one all together.
I hate you guys
Come on. You guys know the words.
Especially Kenny
This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen,
facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30.
- Where are you going? - I'm going home for a minute.
- I have to go to the bathroom. - Just go behind the trees.
I have to go number two.
So? You can poo in the wilderness.
No way, dude. What would I wipe with?
Cartman, don't be such a baby.
We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen.
- What do I sit on? - You just squat, stupid.
Not here. Go further away.
God, I'm glad you guys know all these pooping outside rules.
Watch out for ground eels.
Shut up, you guys! I can't think!
What do you have to think about?
I have to think about planes dropping bombs,
and dump trucks,
and soft-serve ice cream.
- That did it. - Sick, dude.
Pooping outside
Making soft serve ice cream
For all my friends
Especially Kenny
Hey, Kenny, can I borrow one of your gloves?
What the...
Oh, my God, you guys! Come look at this.
We don't wanna look at it, Cartman.
- You guys, get over here! - No way, dude.
I'm seriously.
Look, over by those bushes.
- What? - Meesa scared.
- I see it. - Come on. Let's kill it.
Cartman, you're supposed to bury it.
Look at this sword. Offered only here on House Shopping Network.
It's got a dragon on the blade.
It's got a dragon painted right on the blade.
It's used by the samurai of...
Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?
I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea.
You smoked too much. You had it removed.
And then you drank too much and you lost your goddamn voice box, Ned.
Shut up, Jimbo.
Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.
- It went this way. - Over here.
Come on, you guys.
What the hell is going on?
Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found some big animal creature. It ran over that way.
Hold on. I'll get my shotgun.
Ned! Ned, come on.
- Where'd it go? - It just ran by here a second ago.
Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap.
Now, keep quiet. All right.
I'm gonna turn my flashlight on.
It may get startled, so be ready.
Holy crow! I've never seen anything like it.
Meesa gonna die?
- Hey, that thing's funny. - It's stupid.
Well, let's kill it.
No! No, don't.
- Huh? - I like it.
You don't like anything, Cartman.
Well, all right. Ned, get the mayor on the phone, tell her that we...
Yeah, you can't talk. Never mind. I'll do it.
Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing.
Put up one hell of a fight.
Hello, there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh?
Yes, that's a cutie.
Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.
- Oh, yes. How are you? - Fine. Just fine.
- Fine.
Right over here.
My God, McClannon, do you believe it?
Meesa needs a Jakov.
- It's amazing. - What?
Mayor, this is a Jakovasaur.
A live one has never been seen.
- Oh, neato. - Incredible.
We know of this creature only from remains found frozen in snow.
Do you realize what this means?
We could use its DNA and have a chance
of bringing the entire Jakovasaur species
back from extinction.
Wow. Cool!
Is there reward money?
Cut it out, Ned. That's just disgusting.
This one Jakovasaur could mother an entire population of the animals.
Well, in that case, I think we should name it...
Hope.
- Hope. - Yes, Hope.
Meesa name Joon-Joon.
I think its name is Joon-Joon.
Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name.
Now we must find a safe place for it.
I'll keep it at my house.
No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it.
What? How dare you say that?
Garrison, you remember what happened
to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?
Oh, come on. You all know the pigeon was a total slut.
I've got a barn it can stay in.
- It ain't much, but it's heated. - Well, that sounds fine. Just fine.
- Fine. Just fine. - Fine.
Now wait a minute, I want to clear the air here.
We all know that pigeon was a whore.
Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon!
Oh, whatever.
It's got a dragon painted on the blade.
This is the Tsumutami sword...
Wow, a dragon right on the blade.
Mom, can I get a Tsumutami sword
used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers?
I'll think about it, hon.
Sweet.
Mom, somebody's at the door.
Mommy's busy, poopykins.
Should I get it?
Go ahead, snookums.
It's probably one of your little friends.
Okay.
Okay! Okay! Hold your horses! God.
Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
That's nice, muffin.
Please help me.
Please help me find Joon-Joon.
She has been gone since last night and I'm worried scared.
You mean the other Jakovasaur?
What means a Jakovasaur?
You're a Jakovasaur. That's what they call you.
Oh! Cool beans.
But the other Jakovasaur talked different.
That's 'cause Joon-Joon's a girl. Girls talk different.
I have to call my friends over. They're never gonna believe it.
Please take me to Joon-Joon.
We're the last of our kind.
There are only two of us left.
He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left.
Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Will you stop with the whole mom-smoking-crack thing?
- That's an old joke. - Eric, do you have any more cookies?
Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
No, that was the Jakovasaur.
It's okay to come in.
- Wow. - Jakov,
I want you to meet my friends.
Hi, you guys. I love new friends.
Isn't he funny?
- No. He's annoying. - What are we supposed to do with him?
We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.
Why don't we just tell our parents?
No. Adults won't understand. We have to do this ourselves.
Keep quiet. We could get in big trouble for being here.
Joon-Joon!
- Keep quiet, stupid. - Joon-Joon, I'm so glad you're okay.
Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?
I am whispering.
You're so funny, Jakov.
I am?
Okay, Jakov, why don't you just take Bunga here
and go back to Stark's Pond?
I don't know. This place is kind of nicer than Stark's Pond.
We's in big doo-doo now.
Hello and welcome to Voice Box Express,
your number one source of voice boxes.
I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
Yes, hello,
I lost
- my voice box. - Excuse me?
I lost
my voice box.
Excuse me?
I lost my voice box.
Hey, Ned, look what I bought you.
A new voice box.
You want it? You want it?
Yeah, there you...
Yeah, you want it?
All right. Here you go.
Well, try it out.
Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box!
Now, what in the devil is this thing?
Oh, no. I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
What a bloody pickle this is. Did you keep the receipt, then?
You guys, come quick. I've only just heard.
- What? What is it? - They found another one.
They found another Jakovasaur.
Blimey.
Here with more on the status of the Jakovasaurs,
is Department of Interior Guy.
Thank you, Mayor. The noble Jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction
and now, you as a community have a chance to bring them back.
"Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honour..."
What are you doing, fat ass?
I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me
on my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honour..."
Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind.
But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed.
We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.
Yay for us!
Thank you.
And now, the little boy who first discovered the Jakovasaurs,
Eric Cartman.
Thank you, Mayor, for this honourable distinction...
- Well, that's about it. Let's go. - Yeah.
You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park,
winter and July.
But I'm seriously.
South Park has always been a place of discovery for me.
Hey. You sons of bitches! Get back here!
I am having a goddamn distinctive honour!
Wow! It's so pretty.
Well, Jakov, we hope this new home inspires you and Hope to...
You know.
What?
Well, we'd love to see more Jakovasaurs.
So, maybe you two should...
- What? - Get to some business.
- What? - They want you to have sex, goddamn it!
We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.
All right, then.
Meesa just don't wanna.
I don't know what to do.
Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your...
I guess we don't know exactly how Jakovasaurs mate.
There is another option.
I have managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.
I have semen? Where's their boat?
Yes. Yes, that's very funny, Jakov.
I will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked.
Goddamn. Shut up.
Yes. Yes, I think it worked. You're going to be parents.
- Yeah. - We did it.
Now I can be like all the other dads in South Park.
Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?
And Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter.
Let's see what trickery he uses here.
Here's the snap, and he's...
Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys.
No problem, Jakov.
- To the 40-yard line. - Go Niners! Niners!
We are rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.
To Terrell Davis, he's at the 50, the 40...
- The 30... - You guys know what?
This one time, I was watching this rabbit,
- a brown rabbit. - He breaks another tackle...
- And the ball is loose... - You guys know what happened?
It took dookie right in front of me.
Hey, Jakov, could you run down to the store and get some more pretzels?
- Sure. You got money? - Here you go.
And don't go to store down the block.
The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.
Cool beans.
I'll be right back.
Jakovasaurs kind of piss me off, m'kay.
- Yup. - Yup.
Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
At that rate we could repopulate the Jakovasaurs in just a few years.
Don't worry, Hope. Everything's going to be fine. Just fine.
- Just fine. - Fine.
Dude, I don't want to watch this thing have a baby.
If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct.
Maybe the baby will be stillborn, like Cartman was.
Hey, I might have been stillborn but at least I got better.
Here we go.
Behold the miracle of childbirth.
Gross.
Hooray!
This is the first step in bringing this species
back from the brink of extinction.
Looks there might be a second one.
Wow, that would be a great start for them.
Hooray!
She's a cannon.
Well, apparently they breed in litters.
Aren't they cute, you guys?
Dude, I am not so sure this is a good thing.
Okay, children, we have some new students joining us today.
Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class.
Dude, it's crowded in here.
I like school.
Okay, so we're just going to stick to our normal lesson plan
and start the day with history.
Now, does anyone know
why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972?
- Yes? - I don't know.
Okay, is there anybody who can answer the question?
- I can't. - Me neither.
Damn it, you don't raise your hand if you don't know.
Fight! Fight!
School! School! I like school!
- School! School! I like school! - School! School! I like school!
- Dude, this sucks ass.
I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool.
- This is insane, Mr. Garrison. - Sure is, Mr. Hat.
Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the Jakovasaurs
and I want to hear you all out.
Mayor, the little Jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom.
I can't teach our kids anything.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And those Jakovasaurs eat three times as much as normal children.
I can't keep up.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too.
Poor people are losing their hair!
And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid?
If she doesn't get that heart valve operation, she could die.
Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
All right. All right. It's obvious that we have to do something,
but we can't just make them leave.
We just encourage them to find someplace better.
But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying and stupid.
Where would they fit in?
Memphis?
Yes, Memphis. You Jakovasaurs would love it there.
I don't know. I like South Park a lot.
What do you think, honey? Yeah.
But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I love Memphis. - Go, Memphis!
Okay, we'll move to Memphis.
Hooray!
Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
- Great, Eric. We're moving. - Moving?
Me and my family are heading to the promised land of Memphis.
You can't leave. You're my friend.
Eric, dear, it's what's best.
Yeah, let's get that luggage packed.
Jakov, please don't go. You make everything in South Park fun.
You brought life to this whole town.
It would suck without you.
- It would? - Yes.
These people, Jakov, these people need you.
I need you. Please, Jakov...
Stay.
Okay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying.
Hooray! Jakov is staying, you guys!
Now what do we do?
- Don't worry, we've come up with a plan. - You have?
Yes. We're leaving.
- What? - What?
We're getting the hell out of here and away from those goddamn things.
You can't leave!
Yes, who will take care of them?
Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior Person.
So, now you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife.
You have authority over all of them.
- I have authority? - That's right.
And people must respect it.
Well, that should be fine. Just fine.
- Fine. Just fine. - Fine.
Oh, no. Nothing's worse than Cartman with authority.
Bye-bye, now!
And now back to Jakovasaurs on Comedy Central.
Hi, honey! I'm home!
Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee!
No! In the boss' lap!
- Hello, Dad! - Hello, Son! How was your day?
Well, not so good. Something really strange happened.
What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith?
No, Dad! A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door.
He just left this sealed piece of paper with a stamp on it.
That's called a mailman! He takes care of mail.
Oh! He took care of Mom, too.
You're a nut! Let me see that letter.
It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete.
Hi, Jakov.
What the hell is that?
- Who's laughing? - Eric!
The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park.
First prize is an all-expense-paid vacation.
Wow! That's cool. I can help you get ready.
Come on! Come on! Hello!
Mayor! This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block.
Yes, yes, Jakov, you're calling about the game show.
Congratulations. Will you do it?
Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?
Of course! That's the point!
Just be ready this afternoon at the Public Access building. And good luck.
- Hope you win. - Cool beans!
We got him. All right!
The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted.
Meanwhile, we get rid of the Jakovasaurs
and bring some normalcy back to this town!
- Ready? - Break.
Hey, Ned, a package came for you today from Voice Box Express.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose.
Right.
Okay, let's quiet down people and Jakovasaurs.
Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense-paid
trip for himself and 50 of his closest relatives to lovely...
France!
And all one of you lucky contestants has to do
is answer only one of these questions. Are you ready, players?
- Ready! - Ready!
Okay, hands on your buzzers.
Forty-seven.
You have to wait until I ask the question first.
- Sorry! - That's okay.
- Hands on buzzers. - Turkey sandwich!
Damn, he's quick!
- Sorry! - No, I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault! I'm sorry! - No, it's all me. My bad.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
Will somebody please unplug the goddamn buzzers?
Got it.
Now, can we get on with this? First question. What colour is blue?
- Blue? - What?
- Blue is blue? - Did I lose?
What? Lose? No, no. Hang on.
- You're supposed to lose, you idiot! - Where am I?
Just don't answer any more questions, got it?
Okey-dokey.
Sorry, folks. Little mix up. We're playing best out of three.
What are we doing out here, you guys?
I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show.
Oh, he'll win, don't worry.
We just have to show you this new species
because you're the Department of Interior Guy now.
Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears.
Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species.
That should be fine. Just fine.
- Just fine. Fine. - There it is!
That must be of the antelope family.
That's Kenny with branches on his head.
Why did you bring me all the way out here, you guys?
Cartman, Jakovasaurs are making South Park suck.
You have to understand that.
What does that have to do with me being all the way out...
Wait a minute.
You're distracting me! That game show is a fix!
Cartman, wait!
What's two plus two, Jakov?
I don't know!
Four?
Jakov, what is your name?
Jakov.
Oh, screw it! Jakov wins!
I do?
You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France.
Hooray!
All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport.
Let's go, people! There's no time to lose!
But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
Oh, yeah. Well, goodbye, everybody! We'll send stuff from France.
- Goodbye! - Goodbye!
Jakov!
Close the door.
- Open this door! - Eric, this is for the best.
I am Department of Interior Guy and I have authority.
No!
Jakov, don't go.
Hi, Eric! Okay! Bye, then!
Come back.
Eric, it's important for you to understand...
Don't, Mother. Just don't.
I know it's hard, Eric. But I've learnt something today.
You see, animal species come and go.
It's all part of natural evolution.
The Jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered,
because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
We can't go around saving every form of life
any more than we can kill them all.
We have to let nature run its course.
Ned, that voice box sucks.
I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
Well, then, what say we all go get some ice cream?
Hooray!
No, that's okay. I'll see you guys.
Dude, I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.
Yeah, I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.
Come on, kids, let's go find the pyramid.